How many gay men marry straight women?

Mar 23, 2010 by     30 Comments    Posted under: Life

In the current issue of the Economist they have a story about homosexuality in China, and in it there was this interesting assertion:

The desire for male descendants has had many baleful consequences in China, and in recent years one that used to be hidden has come to light. Millions upon millions of women are trapped in loveless and often miserable marriages to homosexual men. [...]  It is estimated that 15-20% of gay men in America marry heterosexual women. But Liu Dalin, a pioneering sexologist now retired from the University of Shanghai, has put the share in China at 90%.

I’m not sure where they get the American number, but up to 20% of U.S. gays marry straight women? ¬†Sheesh.

30 Comments + Add Comment

  • I’m curious about that number too. You’d think that gay men who are out and open about it don’t need to marry women….so where’d they get the number from? Could it be gay men who are now open? And admit to having married chicks before they were out? Weird.

    • I think we are underestimating the red state factor.

      • Just because someone is gay DOES NOT mean they will touch their male family members. If they do it’s just like a male touching a female family member. That’s always happend more in the world than gay men touching family members. You should bash those bastards that do it to female teenagers than the ones you are bashing; there’s more of them doing in!! Speaking from experance.

  • That number doesn’t surprise me at all. My guess is that it’s even higher than that, especially among older men, who felt they had no choice but to stay in the closet and live what would ‘appear” to be a “normal” life.

    • Yes, I think it’s much more prevalent in older men.

  • This truly inspired me to think and write about my own experience with a guy who lives the life of a heterosexual.

    His gay purgatory is of his own making. (my opinion)

    It is a source of perplexing thought for me.

    Sadly, I think there are a lot of men/women that are leading a heterosexual lifestyle due to various fears even though they were born to be the the complete opposite.

    • I recently found out that my husband of 17 years has been having sexual relations with men. He denies being gay or bisexual but I am very confused and hurt. My friends now say they have always thought he was gay but they did not know how to tell me. We have three children and to protect them, I am staying in the marriage. If we did not have children that would be a different case, not because I don’t love him, but because infidelity in any form is not the basis of love and marriage in my opinion.

  • I agree that that 80 to 90 per cent of men are gay, married or not. Men who marry and refuse to accept what they are gay, are selfish bastards. They want kids proof they are normal to their families but they’re full of crap. If someone accepts they’re gay and don’t hurt or decieve anyone one in the prosess then that’s fine, as long as they’re up front about it.

    • Having been married to a man who was unable to deal with his issues, fears, and feelings about his molestation and rape as a child by his father I believe you may be more right than you know. Of course, My husband lied, deceived and hurt me as a Christian since I made it perfectly clear prior to marriage I was looking for a man who was Christian. I got neither and the cruel comments he made are an indication of his real self.

      I have absolutely zero respect for gays thanks to this cruel, warped and hateful man. After 16 years, 8 months we were divorced with two daughters who loved their dad but lost all respect for him due to his choices.

  • The numbers don’t surprise me at all. As a gay man myself I have met many many men who were at one point or another married or engaged to women. Some that I met told me that they did it because they felt no other choice due to family friends and society. Others because they denied who they were and others still because they were closeted gay bashers who hated themselves and needed to put up appearances. Others whom I found were STILL married and trying to get me in bed! I Sadly alot of men deny who they are and try to lead the straight life which usually blows up in their faces later on leaving a distraught ex wife thinking “where did I go wrong” and children confused as to their parents relationship. I could never see myself pretending to me someone I’m not nor could I see myself putting others through that pain.

    • It’s a consequence of the pressures of society. Greater acceptance will vastly decrease the incidence of gay men marrying/dating women in attempts to escape who they are due to societal pressure.

  • so true, now a day in the society we all live in, there’s certain social image many try to blend in, well, for most of the gay people anyway. That in turn can hurt oneself and the other party too. so I would just being myself and live my own life regardless. peace.

  • this is disturbing on many levels.

    • my ex and his mother knew they were gay and infected with aids but lied to me married me robbed me blind only to admit the marragae happened to avoid arrest for the robbery. Should the gay liars be sued for everything they have and get arrested for criminal charges?

  • Its comes as a no surpirse to me. In fact it is the common situation in a country like India or china with millions of people who are actually gay but still are married and live a fake life. As a gay Indian who met and talked to plenty of others, at least till now this is the norm that is prevailing due to societal pressures. It has to go a long way to change the way society looks at gay people and the gays, themselves.

    • I would love to talk to you.

  • This is all bullshit , a gay man who marries a woman knowing fully well that he is gay is a coward who ruins the lives of his wife and destroys his children mental well being for the rest of their lives . They are also lower then the average cheater in that they often pull other male family members on the wifes side into their filthy ways . Imagine having a brother or brothers who she loves dearly and finding out that she has been used by them all. I cannot describe the pain . To find that you husband cheats is one thing to find out that he has sex with your family male family members is another .The reason behind it all …he needs to hide what he is from others no matter the cost of their lives , just so his live is protected form the aminial

    • I don’t disagree with anything you write, but in the United States we have a right wing that so often drum beats “It’s a choice it’s a choice” that it’s not surprising some gay men actually hope that it is. Going through the motions of a straight marriage they hope will bring out the straight in them. It’s sad for everyone involved.

  • I’m a gay male married to a straight woman. We both love each other. I married feeling as though I could change. I’ve had one short relationship with a man (once) during our marriage and have been monogomous since. I manage my sexuality by being out to my wife and share our inner most feelings. We satisfy our selves in creative ways. Thankfully, we are working together by being open and honest with each other. I won’t state that we are bucking a trend but are maintaining a unique relationship that is working.

    • Richard, your example makes me optimistic. I’m in a relationship with this 24 year old guy, we’ve been deeply in love but when it became serious and we both felt like we wanna get married, he came out to me. I’m the only one on this earth whom he’s come out to. He cried and said that I should leave him because he has no future, and will just find himself a hobby. He’s never been with a guy and he said he will never lead a gay life, not even in his subconscious. But despite all that, he’s always knows he was gay. I still wanna be with him, especially that I know he won’t be with a man, ever, so I’m not depriving him from anything, on the contrary. I will give him love and family. I’m totally convinced that homosexuality isn’t a choice (if it was, I’d choose to be lesbian, actually I can be lesbian if I want to but it’s too problematic) but at the same time.. I don’t believe he’s gay. I mean, he knows better, but as a child, his mom used to tell him that we should burn homosexuals alive and watch them. As a child or young teenager, his father took him to the gym to build up muscles and when he couldn’t lift heavy weights, he yelled at him, amongst many other incidents. They might have instilled the idea in his head. But even if he IS gay, he’s giving me love that no straight man has ever given me, and I love him deeply. I’m thinking to stay with him and eventually get married, but also convince him to come out to close people, just for acceptance and for his psychological well being.
      My question is, how are you and your wife satisfying each other sexually? Other than true love, are there any other techniques that you’re following? Anything than usual heterosexual couples don’t do? What can I do to satisfy a gay man? Would really appreciate your help.

    • Reply aimed towards Gina,
      My sexuality being different than my straight wife causes us to be creative when satisfying our sexual needs. As you know, one can be as creative as your soul allows. My excitement differs from hers, my feelings towards men are for the most part the same. I don’t know the intimaces straight couples experience, so in our relationship there are fantasies and lots of talk. We’ve been together long enough to know each other’s wants and desires.
      I’m gay, and behave differently than ‘mainstream’ homosexual community and I love my wife, is that so bad?

  • I’ve known at least two gay men married to straight women who know about their sexuality. Like the user above, I guess.

    I was still a ‘gayling’ (i.e. new to coming to terms with my sexuality after fighting it for 18 years), it was a period when like a parched man I was thirstily reconnecting with vengeance to the gay community I had avoided for so long. Still, I grew up knowing that I would never marry if I stayed in the closet, simply because I knew that I could never lie to another human being just to ‘fit in’. So I initially viewed these people with hostility. Like another user said above, as ‘cowards’.

    It was only later when I started learning more about gay history when I realized that I was very very lucky. If I had been born 10 or 20 years earlier, I probably would be in their shoes right now. And I begin to see why.

    I now pity gay men trapped in sham marriages, there will be too much pain if they confess now. And in most cases, it’s just not worth destroying the life of your wife and children. It’s a sort of courage in a way. I can’t imagine the hell they go through seeing their dreams come true on equality and yet not being able to take part.

    I admire gay men who have happy marriages like the user above, more because I do not equate love with sexual desire. I have unconventional views when it comes to sexuality and am pretty intrigued by polyamory (and yes, I believe in bisexuals, LOL).

    I still loathe closeted gay men who marry straight women and are extremely homophobic though. What I call the ‘Ted Haggard syndrome’.

  • Re: this subject, I’m very interested in hearing from out gay men. (Those of you who have commented already, thank you for your honesty.) I’m less interested in hearing how you think, and more interested in learning how you treat gay men who marry heterosexual women. How do you treat these men who are in “sham marriages” when you think or come to know that they are gay? How do you treat now-out gay men who were once married to a woman and living in a closet? And, whether or not you are personally sympathetic, can you shed any light on how the out/open gay community at large acts toward such men? Is there any significant population of out/open gays who chastise such men? Are there any slang terms that have become adopted for these men? Their sham marriages? The wife and kids they’ve cheated?

    Thanks in advance for your honest assessment.

    David Wynn
    Executive Director
    Peace Out Foundation

  • I’m engaged to a gay man. We’ve known each other 30 years and were together 3 of those years 27 years ago. He’s open and honest with me. He loves me with his heart but “craves” sex (his words) with a man. He states he’s always loved me but thought it best 27 years ago to part for my sake. I married, and was married for 20 years until he passed away a couple of years ago. My partner and I slowly got back together. Today, we take things slowly but he told me never to worry because we’re not going to lose each other again. We love each other from our heart to do that; we were both miserable w/o each other. We plan to marry when he retires in 5 years. Now, we travel back & forth across country to each other’s house once a month. When I go there I’m there for 3 weeks; when he comes here he’s here anywhere from 3days to 5days depending on how many he can get off.

    He said his sexual preferance is differen than his heart. He wants his heart to run his life instead of his sexuality. All his gay friends said they can tell he loves me b/c even when I’m not there he’s always talking about me. From what I hear even the 27 years we were apart I was part of the conversation a lot. When we got back together, people I have never met said so you’re the “famous” Jane. So, love is the most important part of both of our lives at this point. The sexuality is a different part that will always be there but I know that his love won’t faulter. We have an open (one sided) relationship. We know each other has the option to be with someone else but we don’t want to know that it really happened.

    This is my & my partner’s take on gay men married to straight women. IF, I say if, BOTH partners love each other & want it to work it can. It won’t be easy at times but the love is worth it. Me as a straight woman knows that the love of my gay partner has ALWAYS been better and stronger than any love of a straight man. If we don;t get married, or something happens where we are no longer together again, I know the love of my life, my soul mate; I would never find another love as strong as ours.

    • Jane, I’m glad you ended up with your soul mate in the end. I’m in a relationship with a closeted gay guy, I’m the only one he’s come out to. We love each other dearly. He stated that he won’t lead a gay life whether or not I’m with him. So I don’t feel I’m wronging him. He, however, is afraid he won’t be able to satisfy all my needs. I’m, too, worried I won’t be able to satisfy all his needs. Please advise if you’re both having sex. And if you are, is it any different than sex with a straight man? Are there specific things that I can do to satisfy him more?

      • Gina, my partner satifies me more than I do him. I feel guilty b/c of it but, he’s not cheating on me. When you are in a gay/straight relationship you have to figure out what is going to work for you which is usually unconvintual. We do not leave out the gay world so he can still let himself feel he’s not missing anything. We are both in our late 50′s so we know better what is important than we did in our 20′s. I guess that’s why we had to split up for 27 years before we got back together. If you’ve always loved someone all your life and you’re in the time of your life where your kids are grown, you’re getting ready to retire, and you want to have someone to grow old with that you know will look after your best interest, you may sacafice some things to be with the person your heart loves. Each couple of this type of relationship has to figure out what will work for them and what won’t. Some may have an open marriage where they both can see someone outside the relationship. Some may say ok, if you need to do this just don’t let me know & get tested every 6 months & don’t bring anything home. And, some like us, just want to grow old together & love each other & not deal with all the heart ache b/c believe me, if you’re going to be in this type of relationship it WILL take all your strenght to keep things under control & worry about only what you can control. His sexual preference isn’t something you can control. It’s how you both handle it that makes the situation good or bad.

        Good luck.

  • lol. really? you think being with a gay man as a hetero woman will keep him happy? Sorry but my experience with gay men in that light , really, they are dogs, women make men selective as all species of female do. The brutal truth is when a man has an opportunity to fuck something else. Especially if he is gay, he will. fact of life, and why aids was such a huge epedemic in the 80′s. true fact, dont sugar coat it. stop acting like a gay man can be faithful to anything

  • When a child I believed every men could be had; and they were all married. With children, a house in the country, apartment in the city. On the road doing antique shows. Designing costumes for the theatre. I learned social ettiquette from these men, in exchange for my youth, i believe I behaved myself with mostly flying colors.. It was a fair exchange and it worked. Yes, I did get bitter over one romance, but it was the lovliest and could have gone much further. His wife was English, cool and practical and even asked him if he wanted a divorce. Didn’t happen. Went on to a man I could trust implicitly for a number of years, until he passed suddenly in 2000 shortly after our committment ceremony on January 1st.

  • Well im an openly gay male and always has been,i have a friend i fallin in love with and i was his first guy and he loved me and till this day i know he love me but he couldnt accept that he was gay because of society and decided to date a girl and get ingaged, hust so he can fight that hes in love with a guy.Its a huge deal and alot of men do it, they rush and get married so they can hide who they are by being married and haveing kids,But at the end it all fails and any woman that would rush in a situation like that and questions the situation and never reacts to it then they are bound to be hurt,cause men like to run from what they feel isnt right.

    • I am engaged to a bisexual man, mostly gay. He was the woman in his previous relationships. We’ve known each other for 4 years but have only been sexually active together for 3 months. I’ve satisfied his gay side sexually and to my surprise, I enjoyed it. He says I’m the best lover he’s ever had–man or woman. I’ve had a feeling he’s been seeing another (probably man) but he refutes it. He swears his eternal love, devotion, and faithfulness to me forever and ever. He is so sweet, great in bed, treats me like a princess (calls me that too!). So why am I unsure? Why do I question his faithfulness? Why am I scared he will always crave a man even if he’s satisfied with me? I know you can’t answer for another but I need some guidance as to the bisexual/gay man’s mind.

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