One of My Worst Moments

In 1987 my family moved from New Jersey to Georgia, and I was in the 7th Grade. It was exciting. It was an adventure. Moving from the outskirts of New York City to a rural, cow-pastured exurb of Atlanta was an experience that would shape and haunt me well into my adulthood.

I had no idea that the South still fought the Civil War, such that in 7th Grade my southern peers all knew to call me “Yankee” and ridicule my accent. The playground was an anxiety-producing nightmare. One particular bully would sit on me, slap my face, and make me repeat words in my northern accent that made the other kids laugh. “Water” (me: “Wood-er”); “Dog” (me: “Dhuwg”) and, worst of all, “Cyndi Lauper” (me: “Cyndi Lawpah”). That Cyndi Lauper herself had a thick northern accent made this particularly hysterical, and I became known as “Lawwperr”, as the southern drawl pronounced it.

I lived in Georgia for five years, and I adopted the local style of dress, began to say my waters, dogs and Laupers like the southerners, and did whatever I could do to not stand out. I debased myself. I spoke derisively of Yankees, even though the vast majority of my family were still living in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. By the time I was in the Eleventh Grade in 1991, I had a wispy mustache, long hair in the back, wore overalls with black hightop Reeboks, and I spoke derisively of African-Americans, like all my white southern friends.

Atlanta had forced busing, and our rural high school had a lot of inner city kids attending alongside the rural cracker kids I considered my peers. Eventually, there were race riots in the school, and we were a featured story on CNN one night. I was one of the white kids fighting the black kids.

This was one of the worst moments of my life. In my desire to fit in, I adopted attitudes and ideas that today I find repugnant, and 16-year-old racist me haunted my life for a long time. My mother, seeing that I was developing into a person that she did not like, moved me out to Colorado with my stepfather to finish my senior year in high school (where I would then become ostracized as the stupid redneck hick kid with a mustache nobody wanted to talk to).

Our worst moments come back to haunt us on Wikipedia

Recently on Wikipedia there was one of those tragically unfair Requests for Adminship that I rail against, where a person’s worst moments are held up as a true indication of who they are.  Wikipedia is stressful.  The editors on the site *all* know people read what we write, and that we have a hand in shaping people’s opinions.  Unfortunately, that leads to an arrogance on the site; it also leads to a justifiable cautiousness–usually, not always–in how we operate.  This cautiousness is taken to extremes.  Case in point: a recent “Request for Adminship” for a stellar contributor who, years ago in 2006, made some anti-gay remarks during a fit of stress and anger.  It was a one day, one moment kind of thing.  Now, years later, it is the main reason why people will not approve this person to be an admin.  I’m gay, and I think it’s wrong.  I would like to share this editors heartfelt explanation and apology for that moment in 2006 that is causing so many people to be unforgiving:

I honestly don’t know what else to do but keep apologizing for how angry I was that stupid day in 2006. I wasn’t attacking these people for being gay, or gender transfers. Christ, I’d NEVER do that in that. Reread the comment–I was lashing out and saying “Did you forget in any way what its like to be ostracized?” aimed at all the people that at the time I thought were trying to drive me off in what seemed at the time utterly petty and vindictive ways.

I can absolutely, positively, totally guarantee you that I am not a bigot or even vaguely homophobic. Did you ever read Wikipedia Review? The massive wars I got into with the anti-gay bigots there sometimes? Read my reply to JayHenry— opposition #15. I marched against Proposition 8. I took photographs of the event for probably the most visible and vocal liberal alternative newspaper in the United States, The Stranger, and linked the article with my work. One of my best friends that I spend time with multiple times per week is gay. I have another three close homosexual friends.

My best friend that I grew up with, who I’ve known since we were both 11 years old, both 33 now, began the process to transfer from being a man to a woman when we were 25, and when his religious family threw her out, my wife and I took her in for nearly a year until she was ready to move to another state. I gave her a couple thousand dollars to help get her squared away, knowing full well I’d never see it again, and not expecting to see it again. I outed my name right there in the RFA with the link to that news article in a sign of incredible good faith, knowing full well I painted a massive target on my head for all manner of nutjobs in the future if my RFA passes, to prove who and what I am.

Humanity has a real problem with itself.  We harshly judge each other based upon our worst moments, as if that moment is the one that counts in a person’s arc of life and growth.  It’s hypocritical.  I learned from my interviews, photography and Wikipedia work that we all have things in our past that we haunt or embarrass us.  Look at Matt Sanchez, former gay porn star-turned-anti-gay right wing pundit.  We have all done something that some might consider despicable; said something others might find an indication of our bad characters; think thoughts others would find racist or prejudiced; or abused ourselves and others in ways we wish we never had.

When I see other people judging someone for one moment in their past, it raises my ire and sympathy for them, because I know how hypocritical are those people casting judgment.

I may not know what it is you harbor inside yourself that you hope nobody else ever knows, but I know you have it, and I know you would hate for other people to judge you for it.  That I know that about you, dear reader, is what allows me to reveal personal things about myself, such as my teenage racism.

Our worst moments haunt us

I recently wrote about Ted Haggard, who over years was taking drugs and having gay sex while he railed against homosexuality.  Even now, he won’t admit his philosophy is flawed, but that he is flawed.  Neither he, nor his former congregation at New Life Church, which he founded, will deal with the reality of his situation and what it says about how their attitudes treat gay people.  If you watched Haggard’s media blitz this week, you will see a man who victimized others and himself, and has shown next-to-no personal growth from his abhorrent behavior.

This example contrasts with a reader who called me after reading Sally’s story on my blog.   He related to Sally’s time on the streets as he had been a homeless teen himself years ago.  When I asked him how he survived that time, he danced around the question and then changed the subject.  I didn’t push.  Last night I received a message from him:

I was pretty vague with you and skirted the issue because I had to do a lot of pretty shitty things in order to survive on the streets and to this day I am ashamed and embarrassed by it.  I believed for the longest time that God punished me because, like Sally, I contracted cancer in my 50s.  I know better, because the God I believe in is an all forgiving God, but there are times when I go to that dark place, and still believe that I  am punished for how I lived as a teenager on the streets.

This reader lives in San Francisco, and I have never met him outside of phone calls and e-mails (he doesn’t comment on the blog), but I can tell you one thing:  he is no Ted Haggard.  He is an amazing individual, who I know has inspired many people out in San Francisco with his life story, and for that he will always live on in the hearts of those who know him for who he really is.

What we do or do not do when we are trying to survive in impossible situations is not what defines us; those are the moment that show us our humanity.  Many people are never confronted with as few options for survival, and what he proved is that he is a survivor.  And he will do what it takes.  He did what any of us would at least consider doing in his situation.

If you fear and worry about your unfinest moment, know that life throws all of us curve balls at which we swing our bats the best we know how; sometimes, on reflection, our best could have been better.  That’s life.  And if you can honestly say that you don’t have those moments in your life, then you’re missing out on what life is all about.  Even Mother Theresa felt like a fraud.

Tonight is Alexandra Pelosi’s HBO documentary on anti-gay evangelical Ted Haggard, founder of the 10,000 member New Life Church in Colorado Springs, who has since been caught up in multiple gay sex-and-meth scandals.  It’s interesting to be here as it sets to air.  Longtime CS resident Rich Tosches, perhaps one of the better writers in the Springs, wrote a damning column in the Colorado Springs Independent on the effect that the massive influx of evangelical ministries has had on the town.  It really is a must-read column from a resident who watched the evangelicals transform the Springs into ground zero for intolerance (usurping Orange County, of all places).  Click on the snip below to read the full column:

If you click the snip above you’ll see I am the only one to comment on the column to date.

After reading Tosches, I snooped around on Wikipedia and realized there were no photographs of New Life Church.  Since I photographed Focus on the Family last March, I headed out to Voyager Parkway to see the grounds of this huge house of worship.  They gave me a media pass for Wikipedia, but they told me I could not take pictures, so I declined the media tour.   What I could see of the building was impressive enough; I didn’t want to waste my time if they weren’t going to let the 4th most popular website in the world document the interior.  Below are a few shots I took for Wiki:

I like this shot–taken from the International Bible Society’s grounds–even though the placement of the sun cost me clarity in the buildings.  It’s still my favorite.

This is what they call “The Tent” – I imagine a reference to those old-timey revivalist holy-ghost meetings.

The main entrance and the main worship center.

Pastor Brady Boyd was around, but too busy for me to do his portrait (I asked, flashing my Wikinews credentials).  I might try to contact him again.

Afterwards, I went over to Hooters for a bleu cheese burger, and somehow the scantily clad women in their orange satin hot pants topped off my Ted Haggard Day in Colorado Springs with a smile.  Thanks, “Sarah”.

Blogging is difficult because a lot of times I have no idea what to write, and I’ve settled on trying to ensure I have a new post every one to two days.  I also try to involve the lives of my readers in the blog, when I have their permission.

A few days ago I wrote about my reader Sally as emblematic of one important reason I continue doing this blog.  Even though GoDaddy’s software sucks like a donkey (NEVER USE GODADDY – USE WORDPRESS OR BLOGGER) and has made it a challenge for spiders and web crawlers to find some of my posts, I’ve been happy with my traffic (click to enlarge):

So…

THANK YOU READERS!  For being part of my life, and allowing me to be part of yours.

And last but not least:

Thank you Pete Forsyth of Puddletown Consulting, without whom this site would still be below 10K a month.  Forsyth’s search engine optimization, hard work, foresight and his in-depth knowledge of the tubes that make up the Internets helped my blog’s direction and web traffic, despite GoDaddy’s crapware.

I don’t know if it is because I am “new media” but I am perplexed by the way the Columbia Journalism Review is handling distribution of its content.  Primarily because I have been waiting patiently to share the link to the story they wrote about me (Click the Obama cover, right, to read it).

The magazine is nowhere to be found in Colorado.  I called the Tattered Cover, Denver’s largest and most famous book seller, and they don’t expect to get their five issues of the January/February CJR until the first week of February.  One month after printing!  The chain stores don’t receive any at all.

The CJR has a policy to make their stories live on their Internet site gradually.  They do this, I was told, so that people will buy the magazine.  It’s a foolish hope, especially when it is not for sale.  Regardless, the web generation will wait, or they will forget about it.  Additionally, news about the news is not something people are so hungry for that they have to run out to find the latest issue (unless they are the subject of a story).

Yesterday I discovered the link had gone live.  On Entrepreneur.com.  The story was still grayed-out (meaning only for subscribers) on CJR‘s website, but it was fully reprinted on some random website that uses CJR‘s content for their own profit.  From an Internet perspective, this makes CJR, the most prestigious name in journalism, little more than a content provider for some random website named Entrepreneur.com.

I e-mailed CJR and raised this anomaly, and today they made their story about me live, whilst leaving “Opening India” by Ralph Frammolino a subscription only story that you can still read at Entrepreneur.com.  I originally was supposed to be the last story live, ostensibly under the theory that Wiki is going to draw a lot of web traffic for their other stories.

CJR is emblematic of the inertia in the media industry to change. They keep one foot in the grave, and one outside as they struggle to figure out how to distribute content and still make money.  From my perspective, if you have a deal to redistribute your stories with another website, make sure they don’t beat you to publishing until your next issue is out.  CJR is under-cutting their own web traffic in a misguided attempt to get people to buy their magazine.

It amazes me that brand names like CJR are still trying to push their print publications, when they should be more focused on making their websites their flagship properties.  It has been at least a decade since it was obvious that pushing paper is out, and that web influence and traffic would be the new core model.  There will always be a place for paper (e.g. doctors’ offices, airplanes), but to sacrifice what should be your flagship’s influence to try to force people to buy something on the newsstand makes no sense.  This is especially true when your vendors–such as Tattered Cover, Barnes & Noble and Borders out in Colorado–are only putting the magazine on their shelves a month after printing, or not at all.

Such bumbling disappoints people like me.  Institutions like the Columbia Journalism Review, The Washington Post, The New York Times, et al. are needed now more than ever as stand-outs in the on-line information morass.  Yet they remain beholden to a model that has been around since Gutenberg.  Meanwhile, the public suffers as they rely on junk news sources as the good news sources are unavailable, and increasingly go unread.

These are not the only challenges facing the media brands, but these mistakes greatly exacerbate the real ones they face.

I’m up in Breckenridge and Keystone with “the gang” – my sister’s group of friends who have become friends of mine as well.  The last time I lived in Colorado, Tracy and I regularly swapped friends since we are very similar, and we are drawn to similar types of people (although she leaves out the freaks and vampires I am sometimes drawn to).

We arrived here Friday and we are staying in an amazing house in Keystone (with seven kids running around – lots of fun).  However, it has snowed non-stop, so I have no nice blue sky shots of mountains.  When I return to Colorado Springs, I will figure out which photos are salvageable.  This morning I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep.  Around 7:00 a.m. I looked out my window and realized this is probably the best mountain shot I am going to get.  Those clouds in the distance?  Within half an hour they were covering the entire sky.   The house across the way is almost a replica of the one we are staying in, and you can see the sun had not peeked over the mountain casting a shadow upon us.

My Mom and I made a day trip to Cripple Creek, Colorado, one of three cities in the state that allows “limited stakes” gambling.  Mom won $200 off of $40!

Some photos from the trip uploaded to Wikipedia:

It’s funny what reporters choose to print.  Adam Rose interviewed me for 10 hours for the Columbia Journalism Review, so he had a lot of different material he could have shared.  One of the things he chose to share was this:

In 2006 I listened to no other bands besides The Libertines and Babyshambles, Pete Doherty’s bands.  I smile about it now, but at the time not only did the music hit me, but also the words and references.  I loved the Babyshambles song “A’rebours”, and I loved it even more because it is named after one of my favorite novels, À rebours, by Joris-Karl Huysmans.  The song articulated how I felt about law school as I faced my inability to return and sat through my last semester without books.  Below is the video.

A’rebours – Babyshambles

You sent for me
I was knock knock knocking on death’s door
You ignore, adore, a’rebours me
You leave me washed up begging for more
If you really cared for me
Ah you’d let me be
You’d set me free
But what you robbed me of is my…
Oh is my liberty

The curtain was calling
You were there blown away and a’rebours
In the mirror bawling
If you want it so much you are gonna have it all
Ah if you really cared for me
Christ knows you’d let me be
You’d set me free
I’m too polite to say…

I defy you all
You know twice as much as nothing at all
It’s still nothing at all
I can defy us all
Tides are now turned and hammered it all
Hammered it all

Ah, no, ah no, ah no…

I’ve been running round this world too much, girl
Pretending not to see
What’s thrilling me, it’s killing me

Oh no, I think I understand
What I misunderstood before
How your love gives me so much more
I am free again, I can see again..

But if I should fall
Would you vow today to pay tomorrow
The fucked off big debt I owe to sorrow…
Ah, oh… sorrow… sorrow…
Ah, oh… sorrow

Ah, no, ah no, ah no…

I finally, just today, was able to read the article about me in the Columbia Journalism Review. It’s two pages and thoroughly researched.  Adam Rose’s writing is good, and he sat with me for about 10 hours over three meetings to work on the story.  He interviewed a few of my interviewees, and I directed him to the haters’ threads at the Wikipedia Review and to my former nemesis User:THF to learn what critics think.  It is currently out on newsstands, although I have yet to find an issue in Colorado.  Even the state’s most famous bookstore, The Tattered Cover, does not expect to receive their five copies of the January/February issue until the first week of February.

There is one inaccuracy that I want to rectify, because I caused it.  Adam wrote, “Although Miller has managed interviews with a few high-profile subjects like Peres, he’s relatively unknown outside the Wiki community. Some of his pieces have page views in the single digits.”

Adam got this from me because Wikinews, like many Wiki projects, has suffered from not having an ability to figure out how many hits our articles get.  This has been a huge source of irritation with the Wikimedia Foundation, since it’s difficult to write without seeing the response to the writing; which topics get more traffic; and which stories are duds nobody cares about.  There used to be a tool we had, but it was highly inaccurate, and occasionally it would reset itself so that the number was not how many hits the article had received in totality, but only since it had reset itself.  Adam had apparently used it after it was re-set to write that.  It would be impossible for any article on Wikinews to have 9 or fewer hits, considering that there are typically at least 30 active reporters who would check out each others’ stories (and edit them).  Additionally, I alone would hit my articles obsessively to edit, review and correct them, and the tool counted all hits, including repeats.  From Brian McNeil, Wikinews guru:

From recent stats I can say Wikinews is getting around 5.5 million page views per month. For a newly published lead you’ll see a minimum of 50-60 hits per hour. At certain times of day the top article will be getting 150+ hits per hour, and with our stuff now listed in Google News there can be stories that get many hundreds of hits per hour.

This was not Adam’s fault, it was mine as I supplied him that tool and likely gave him little context since the reset issue was something that wasn’t apparent until later, and it never occurred to me to inform him.

Below is a snippet of the beginning of the article, now on newsstands.  It gives a good deal of context for the work I did, and it gives it from the perspective of a real reporter writing for the premiere journalism magazine in the United States.  It is now the most high-profile review of the work on Wikinews undertaken by one of its “peers”.

Last week I wrote about how my dog Little Man, who I brought out to Colorado from New York City, was being pursued by sister’s slightly-disabled adopted dog Riley, who wants to be his friend.  Little Man wanted nothing to do with him; however, the two have come to a detente, and now that 7 pound Little Man knows that 35 pound Riley will not make him a snack, he seems to enjoy the attention.

However, Riley’s snout is about as long as Little Man’s body, and Little Man wants that thing nowhere near his butt.  Here’s Riley trying to get a sniff, with LM hightailing it out of there.

But Little Man can always escape Riley’s snout by scrambling through his mouse hole and into my room.

Many of the readers of this blog seem to prefer to e-mail me more than post, and I’ve had about five people ask me if my New Year’s resolution is to find a new career, since I blogged about that as a major issue confronting my life.  I’m not a resolution kind of guy, but below are the ten things that I want to commit myself to more in 2009:

1.  Find a new career that focuses more on substance than on money.

2.  Use Google Docs over Microsoft Word.

3.  Photograph less, write more.

4.  Become more engaged with my family, especially my nieces and nephews.

5.  Less Hulu, more live music.

6.  Find a significant other whose life I really want to learn about and be a part of, and vice versa.

7.  Take up poker and become really good.

8.  Read at least one book a week.

9.  Become a morning person instead of the vampire that I am.

10. Answer the question, “What does it mean to be a citizen?”

Where are you at this 2009?  Post or e-mail some of your own 2009 commitments.